And I think I’m going to start a whole new blog. Ha! I can’t even post once a week. And it’s only going to get even worse come January 3. Speaking of which…

I feel like I swallowed fish hooks. There’s an overbearing feeling of depression and dread, which  makes one hell of a cocktail. I’m trying to shake it off so I can enjoy these last few days. I don’t want them to speed away. Blue is home this week, which makes it even better. He asked me if I wanted to take a day or afternoon away to myself. Are you kidding me??? Come one week I’m going to be away all the time. I’m trying to soak up every second I have left.

As far as my plan, it’s not exactly what I wanted. My big boss will only approve two days a week at home. Part of me wants to scream and get pissed, especially since other members of my team have been granted way more flexibility and I think I’ve proven myself as a dedicated employee. Especially considering many a night I was there just as late, sometimes later, than him.

But as annoying as it is, I can understand his concern. No one else on my team has a newborn and as a parent, I’m sure he’s thinking that it’ll be difficult for me to come back to work, and there’s a danger with me being at home, even with a nanny/sitter. I get it. But it still pisses me off.

So now my mind is racing in a thousand directions. For one, it’s going to be more expensive because she’ll be there longer. For two, I now have to schlep her out three days in the cold, possibly snowy weather and speaking of snow, there’s more fear that she’ll be at the sitter when a snowstorm strikes. I’m afraid I’ll get crap if I want to leave early to go pick her up (btw, other members of my team have often left midday with no problems). This is a huge concern because the only other vehicle we have is Blue’s van and that is not good in snow. He’s also having misgivings about picking her up at all, which really sucks because now he’d have to do that three times a week. I don’t want her at the sitter until I get out because besides being expensive, she’ll have been there for 9 hours.

Ugh.

As much as I didn’t want to do daycare right away, I’m beginning to hope and pray that we get a call that there’s an opening way earlier than anticipated. It would just be so, so much easier and less expensive. My boss right above me did say that maybe in a couple weeks if it all works we can go to three days but who knows.

Besides just the logistics and the thought of being away from her for so long, I’m dreading returning for other reasons. Everything seems kind of up in the air with my department and I’m still not completely confident in my job security. Being away for two months, puts me at a disadvantage. I have to readjust to the work flow and now I have a baby so I’m not certain how that will affect my performance. It might be a hard transition at first and I wonder how much room for error I’ll be given.

Then there’s the temp who covered for me. It’s not certain whether she’ll be staying, even though another member of the team is leaving. We’ve cut way back in production since I left so they have to get the position approved from high up, even though it already existed. She’s a great girl and I’d hate to her have to leave, and I also wonder, what if they decide to keep her versus me? Legally, they can’t fire me right away but what if I go back and I’m not as good as before and they get rid of me?

Blue and I have talked about it. If things don’t work out, I’ll stay at home. But that’s an option that’s way on the back burner and not ideal (well, in one major way it is) to either of us.

I know I worry about everything and that a lot of this is just stemming from my fear of leaving Floyd. Once we get in the swing of things it’ll all work out and become the norm. I know that. But right now, my mind is racing in a thousand neurotic directions. I need to make it stop so I can spend the next few days enjoying the time I have with my little family.

Besides all that, I hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine was good and I even got some sleep. The last three nights Floyd slept for long stretches — six, then four, then five hours — and the last two, she was asleep before midnight. Woot, woot!

Well, that’s all for now. I’ll try to update sometime soon but with work coming up, who knows. Happy New Year!

Advertisement